Over the course of a long-term marriage, you’ll likely experience a range of ups and downs. Some periods of time will feel more connected, more romantic, and generally happier…
And even the “bad times” can have their own range, whether you’re arguing more than usual, experiencing a lull in your sex life, or simply not feeling very excited about the marriage…
All of this is perfectly normal, and even the most blissful marriages can go through periods of difficulty.
For some couples, though, these rough patches can lead to negative thinking, concentrating on the problems, and sometimes even mulling over the idea of divorce. They may even surprise themselves when these thoughts arise, and begin to worry that simply thinking about divorce is a sign that the marriage is doomed. If it becomes more than thoughts – and that dreaded D-word finds its way into your conversations with your spouse, it can be even more worrisome.
The good news, however, is that just thinking about it doesn’t make it inevitable – in fact, rolling it over in your mind is just a sign that there’s work to be done in the marriage, and that now is the time for action!
While it IS normal to consider divorce on occasion, especially if things haven’t been going so well lately, it’s also important to recognize these thoughts as a giant, flashing warning sign. Whatever the trouble at hand might be, if it’s making you even imagine divorce, it’s a problem that needs to be addressed right away.
You can admit to your spouse that you are having such thoughts – though you should make it clear that they are only thoughts at this point – and let them know how much having those thoughts worries you.
The next step is to take a good look at why you might be thinking that way. What have the two of you been arguing about? Why are you feeling dissatisfied? There’s likely a specific issue (or several specific issues) that has you thinking about divorce in the first place, so that’s where you start.
Feeling neglected? Talk to your spouse about spending more quality time together. Fighting about money? Plan to sit down together and develop a budget. Trouble in the bedroom? Look into ways to keep the spark going and explore trying some new things. Arguing too much, but don’t really know why? It could just come down to communication skills, and seeing a marriage counselor might be the best option for you.
The point is this: it’s fine to have these thoughts, but it’s not ok to ignore them – or to let the problems continue unchecked. If you’re thinking about divorce, but aren’t saying anything to your spouse or taking any action to resolve the problems, you’ll continue to experience the anger and frustration, continue to think about divorce, and ultimately, allow your marriage to move further and further away from a place of strength, happiness, and connection.
If you’re having these kinds of thoughts and feelings, don’t just let them happen…
Do something about it before it gets any worse!
For more advice on how to strengthen your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System today!
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Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, co-Founders, StrongMarriageNow.com
I'm at a point of just telling my husband to go to hell, accept that I'll be losing my home, and just get a divorce. Since he told me this morning that 2 weeks ago he lost important papers from this new job and if they're not found he could lose his job and his career, there's a good chance I could be losing everything anyway. Am I being delusional in thinking that we can get through this?
I'm at a point of just telling my husband to go to hell, accept that I'll be losing my home, and just get a divorce. Since he told me this morning that 2 weeks ago he lost important papers from this new job and if they're not found he could lose his job and his career, there's a good chance I could be losing everything anyway. Am I being delusional in thinking that we can get through this?
Our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm ending this marriage but I wanted to get other opinions on this to see if I'm over-reacting. We have other issues (emotionally and fiscally) but I'm thinking this motorcycle is the final straw. On father's day, we went to dinner with my family and my nephew showed up on his motorcycle. He's obsessed on and off about getting this bmw motorcycle since we've been married.
Our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm ending this marriage but I wanted to get other opinions on this to see if I'm over-reacting. We have other issues (emotionally and fiscally) but I'm thinking this motorcycle is the final straw. On father's day, we went to dinner with my family and my nephew showed up on his motorcycle. He's obsessed on and off about getting this bmw motorcycle since we've been married.
Hi Cassy, money is the number one thing couples fight about. Here is some advice on how to stop -https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/important-problem/money-yt/
Hi Cassy, money is the number one thing couples fight about. Here is some advice on how to stop -https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/important-problem/money-yt/
Hi Kimberly - If the papers were truly an accident, instead of throwing away your marriage, start looking for those papers! Your husband will be grateful, you will save the house, and you will be his helpmeet, not his hinderer. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/discover-stop-anger/
Hi Kimberly - If the papers were truly an accident, instead of throwing away your marriage, start looking for those papers! Your husband will be grateful, you will save the house, and you will be his helpmeet, not his hinderer. https://www.strongmarriagenow.com/discover-stop-anger/
I said some mean things to my wife three months ago and made her go to a divorce mediator out of anger for something she said to me while I was very stressed out about something work related. I apologized and said I was sorry and it was wrong. It's been a month and a half and she hasn't forgave me and said she's not sure if she wants to be married to me any more. She still wants to do things together, sleep in the same bed and still have sex. She said she needs time to figure out what she wants to do about being married. How long should I wait? I feel like if we still go out together that it's fake and it looks like we are a married couple instead of a separated couple acting like friends. I'm so confused. I want more than just going out as friends and having sex. I want to go out as husband and wife. Do I just suck it up and continue as friends for awhile and hope she checks back into the marriage. We do still have fun going out and we both have always been faithful. I think she is just still heart broken that I said I didn't love her anymore,when I was mad, to hurt her feeling, which I unfortunately accomplished. Please help
I said some mean things to my wife three months ago and made her go to a divorce mediator out of anger for something she said to me while I was very stressed out about something work related. I apologized and said I was sorry and it was wrong. It's been a month and a half and she hasn't forgave me and said she's not sure if she wants to be married to me any more. She still wants to do things together, sleep in the same bed and still have sex. She said she needs time to figure out what she wants to do about being married. How long should I wait? I feel like if we still go out together that it's fake and it looks like we are a married couple instead of a separated couple acting like friends. I'm so confused. I want more than just going out as friends and having sex. I want to go out as husband and wife. Do I just suck it up and continue as friends for awhile and hope she checks back into the marriage. We do still have fun going out and we both have always been faithful. I think she is just still heart broken that I said I didn't love her anymore,when I was mad, to hurt her feeling, which I unfortunately accomplished. Please help
My husband and I lost communication for almost 2 years now.He decided to checked out. I didn't know if he was depressed because he quit his job. He sold our house and ended up separating. Got my own place and he left for deployment. Our whole family are heartbroken. I went and got the papers to file the divorce before he left for the deployment. He is now back . Right before Christmas I purchased SMN kit to work on myself. I decided to hold off filing the papers to see if we are both making the right decisions. This week we just started watching Week 1 Video and found out a lot how much I hurt him by my silent treatment just to avoid arguments. To work on our marriages, it will take a lot of patience and endurance. I learned to be patient for I would like to save our 20 years of marriage. It's the first week watching the video and I saw positive results. I remain hopeful that he will change his mind on the divorce. All I can say is that be prayerful and seek God and follow Dr. Dana's advice and be committed regardless of how your spouse react. It will be frustrating at times but its worth fighting for your marriage for what God put together no man can destroy.
My husband and I lost communication for almost 2 years now.He decided to checked out. I didn't know if he was depressed because he quit his job. He sold our house and ended up separating. Got my own place and he left for deployment. Our whole family are heartbroken. I went and got the papers to file the divorce before he left for the deployment. He is now back . Right before Christmas I purchased SMN kit to work on myself. I decided to hold off filing the papers to see if we are both making the right decisions. This week we just started watching Week 1 Video and found out a lot how much I hurt him by my silent treatment just to avoid arguments. To work on our marriages, it will take a lot of patience and endurance. I learned to be patient for I would like to save our 20 years of marriage. It's the first week watching the video and I saw positive results. I remain hopeful that he will change his mind on the divorce. All I can say is that be prayerful and seek God and follow Dr. Dana's advice and be committed regardless of how your spouse react. It will be frustrating at times but its worth fighting for your marriage for what God put together no man can destroy.