Can Your Marriage Be Saved? Dr. Fillmore Answers that Question and More
Here are Dr. Dana's answers to the top four questions people ask when trying to save their marriage. If you have a different question, we want to help you too. Please comment below and tell us what you’d like to know.
Here are the answers to four of the most common questions:
1. Can my marriage be saved?
Absolutely! Almost all marriages can be saved and even made much better. But let’s face it, not everyone wants to save their marriage, meaning not everyone wants to keep it the way that it is. But, I’m talking about saving it and making it better, making it the marriage you actually want. To do that it’s important to know this one thing: it’s normal to fall in and out of love in a long-term marriage. People who are married for a long time are not typically “in love” with their partner the whole time. They fall in and out of love many times over the years.
You know that 80 year-old couple that’s dancing at the wedding that clearly adore each other and still look madly in love? Well, those people will tell you that they were not madly in love everyday for the last 60 years. In fact, there were many times when they wanted to toss their partner out of a window! We all want to be that 80 year-old couple, right? We want people to say, “Wow, look at them, I want that kind of marriage.” Well, that couple will tell you that it took two things to get to that point: commitment and the willingness to work on it.
In fact, here’s one of the stats we quote in our upcoming book. Research indicates that 86% of unhappily married couples that stay together and work on their marriage report being much happier later on in life. In other words, they’re glad they put in the effort to make it work and stuck with it. On the flip side, we all know that when couples give up on their marriage and divorce, their financial resources are cut in half, which is seriously lousy! We all know that not many people can afford two households. Research also shows that children of divorced parents often have lower self-esteem and may have significant difficulties later in their own relationships. And did you know that a divorced person’s life span can actually be shorter? These are all things to think about when considering whether to give up on or save your marriage.
So in answer to the question, “Can my marriage be saved?” The answer is yes. Now you know that you can save your marriage. You also know that falling in and out of love is normal. I hope you have hope again. I hope you know that if you’re willing to do the work, things can get seriously better for you and your spouse.
2. My spouse isn’t willing to work on the marriage, is the marriage over?
The answer is no or, more accurately, not necessarily. Everybody has heard the saying, it takes two to tango, right? Many take that to mean that both people have to take dance lessons to do it right. But what it really means is, if just one person learns some new steps, some new moves if you will, and does something differently, the whole dance can change.
Let me tell you a real-life example that just happened the other day. We heard from one of our email list members, Charlie. He’d read a few of our articles, watched a few of our videos and was considering buying the System. He wanted it because he and his wife, Cindy, had been fighting over a messy house for over 20 years. He’s a neat freak and she apparently is a bit of a slob. So, his way of dealing with this was to go to work all day, come home and complain about the house -- pretty much making Cindy feel lousy about herself until they went to bed.
There was a glitch, though. Charlie told us that Cindy, was working all day and taking care of their four kids and she had no interest in putting one more thing on her plate. In other words, she wasn’t willing at this time to try out the Save My Marriage System with him. We assured him that just one person applying the lessons can make a big difference. He went ahead and bought the System and later contacted us. He told us that after watching the sections on Understanding Each Other and Resolving Conflict, he had decided to change his approach. He stopped complaining and blaming and took the time to find out what was really going on with Cindy. As you can imagine, she was more than happy to tell him! Turns out that Cindy had all kinds of reasons for not cleaning the house, some from her childhood, some based on her and Charlie’s relationship, and some just out of sheer exhaustion.
Once Charlie figured this out and what was really going on with Cindy, two things happened. One, he stepped up and started helping a lot more, but more importantly, Cindy stepped up once she felt like Charlie really understood her. Miraculously, Charlie reports that the house is clean today. On a side note, when this was so effective, Cindy did finally actually agree to use the System. So what’s the moral of the story, one person learning a new skill and changing their behavior, changing their steps, if you will, can dramatically change the dance.
3. What do I do if my partner has moved out, is dating someone else or has even already filed papers? Please help!
This question is really tough to answer, not because I don’t know the answer but because it’s not an answer that most people want to hear. Sometimes a marriage is actually over. Or more accurately, it should be over. As detrimental as going through the divorce process is to both people and to the kids, prolonging the process and leaving everybody in a state of limbo is even more damaging. Sometimes we have to make the call, take the time to grieve, then heal, then move on with your life.
4. How do you know when to call it quits?
Let me give you my personal answer. If I were going to walk away from my marriage and break up the family, I would have to be able to look myself in the eye and know that I have done absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Maybe I’ve ended friendships, quit my job, sold my house, read self-help books, and learned and practiced all the marriage skills I could get my hands on. I would have to know that I had done everything in my power. If, however, I truly believe that I have done everything I can to save my marriage and it has not worked, then I could hold my head up and move on knowing that I did everything I possibly could.
Hope you found the answers to these questions helpful. The webinar was so successful, we’re already getting requests to do it again.
Have More Questions?
If you would like to have any of your questions on the next webinar or on our blog posts, please comment below and ask your question:
To save your marriage, check out our free video presentation...
Check Out Our Video: How To Regain the Love, Rekindle Passion and Save Your Marriage
If you’d like to sign up for the next webinar, we're holding another one over the next three days...
Revitalize and Save Your Marriage With Our Free Webinar "5 Secrets to Save Your Marriage"
You will discover:
- The answer to "Can my marriage be saved?"
- How to fix your marriage even if you're the only one trying
- 4 Relationship Myths that are probably getting in your way
- How to avoid common mistakes you may be making in your marriage. /li>
- The most important thing you need to do to save your marriage – And you’ll be surprised it’s practical and easy to apply for almost everyone
- Clear, straightforward steps that you can take immediately to get your marriage on track
If you'd like to learn Marriage Success Skills to save your marriage, check out the StrongMarriageNow System.
Dr. Dana Fillmore and Amy Barnhart, StrongMarriageNow.com